Monday, 17 November 2008

• Bringing My Esteemable Acts Journal Up-to-date

  CHILDHOOD DREAMS
  
  ballerina
  newscaster
  reporter
  cartoonist
  courtroom sketch artist
  
  TEEN DREAMS
  
  modern dancer
  artist
  obstetrician
  songwriter
  
  ADULT DREAMS
  
  modern/ hip hop dancer
  japanese interpreter
  obstetrican
  dermatogist
  musician
  good mom
  
  *~*~*~*~*~"Often change doesn't happen without a push"~*~*~*~*~*
  
  DREAM THAT HAS SEEMED TO HOLD THROUGH: DANCING
  AS OF 11/13/2008 I AM NOT LIVING MY CHILDHOOD DREAM
  
  What got in my way?
  COMFORT ZONE
  LEAVING SCHOOL
  HAVING A BABY
  
  What excuses did I buy into?
  * I FELT LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE TO CONFORM TO ANYTHING OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE.
  *AFTER I LEFT SCHOOL I JUST ASSUMED I'D GET BACK INTO IT WHENEVER I WAS READY.
  
  What do I think/dream about when I'm alone with my thoughts?
  *I WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND GET MY ASSOCIATES AND BACHELORS DEGREE.
  I REALLY WANT TO DOUBLE MAJOR IN HUMAN BIOLOGY/FOREIGN LANGUAGE AND MINOR IN DANCE. I WANT TO GO FURTHER AND GET MY MASTER'S.
  *I WANNA GET MY LICENSE AND GET MY CAR AND INSURANCE.
  *I WANNA START PAYING OFF MY DEBT AND SAVE FOR MY DAUGHTER'S FUTURE.
  *I WANT TO WORK LESS AND GET PAID MORE.
  *I WANT TO BECOME A FLUENT JAPANESE SPEAKER WHO WORKS AS AN OBSTETRICIAN BUT WHILE WORKING ON THAT I WANT TO DANCE.
  *I WANT TO START MY OWN NONPROFIT ORGANIZATION SOME DAY.
  *I WANT TO BE A GOOD MOTHER AND ROLE MODEL FOR MY DAUGHTER.
  *I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE A NICE CEREMONY.
  * I WANT TO MOVE TO A NICE POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT W/SUCCESSFUL NEIGHBORS AND A THRIVING COMMUNITY AND EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER.
  *I WANT TO BE IN BETTER HEALTH, FIT, AND IN SHAPE.
  

  ---

  *~*~*~*~*~"We are what we believe"~*~*~*~*~*
  
  

  BELIEFS I WAS RAISED WITH:
  *Certain hours to watch tv...certain things I couldn't watch (i.e, sex scenes).
  *Football is a man's game and women didn't know how to play.
  *Piano lessons made you appear more sophisticated, educated, and diverse.
  *Poor people are uneducated, live in the ghetto, had a lot of babies, lived off welfare, were bums, and made bad decisions.
  *Rich people inherited there money their wealthy families, some had good education, ..more privileges and opportunities for them...expensive homes, abundant flow of income,...jewels...make better decisions.
  *Success has different levels and different ways it can be attained. More common among whites.
  *Failure is always looked down upon. Most common among the black community. Easily attainable.
  *Education is the key to success. Most kids don't care for school but later it life regret not having that care. Americans put it on a pedestal. Siblings or parents never graduated high school.
  
  WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?
  *going outside my comfort zone
  *failure
  *being a bad mom
  *not having another chance to go to school
  *losing another chance with my ex
  
  HOW HAS IT STOPPED ME FROM LIVING MY DREAMS?
  *I didn't get my dance scholarship
  *Didn't get my CNA certificate
  -I didn't give my all because I thought I would fail and didn't want to step outside my comfort zone.
  
  REFERRING BACK TO MY DREAMS WHICH HAVE I ATTAINED?
  *None.
  
  DREAMBUSTERS  (those who I feel tend to bust my dreams):
  *My Ex: Because of his choice of words and his excuses for using them.
  *My Sister B: Sometimes she's supportive and sometimes she's not so supportive.
  *Mrs. Freed: Seems to never really give me the time of day when I really need to talk to her.
  
  

  ---

   MY COLLAGE
  

  ---

  

  
  What do I value in life?
  STRONG FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
  EDUCATION
  DREAMS/GOALS
  
  My Personal Mission Statement:
  MY MISSION IN LIFE IS TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN BE WITH THE TIME I HAVE ON THIS EARTH. TO REACH MY DREAMS ESPECIALLY THE ONES DREAMBUSTERS VERBALLY PUT IN A SETBACK. TO PROVE THOSE DREAMBUSTERS WRONG...TO CREATE A BETTER INFLUENCE FOR MY DAUGHTER AND TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR US BOTH...HER ESPECIALLY. MY DAUGHTER IS NOW MY DRIVE...I WANT TO PROVE OTHERS WRONG AND THAT DRIVES ME, TOO. THINKING ABOUT GOALS BEING ACCOMPLISHED DRIVES ME NOW.WHAT KEEPS ME GOING ON THOSE DAYS WHEN I WANT TO GIVE UP IS TRYING TO KEEP IN MIND WHAT DRIVES ME...MOSTLY, MY DAUGHTER :)
  
  *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  My passion in life:
  I am passionate about being a good mom to my daughter.
  
  What excites me:
  Good things that happen out of the blue excite me.
  
  What turns me on:
  Vincent's attraction to me turns me on...and it helps my self-esteem.
  
  What I give most of your time to:
  I give my time putting extra care and concern to my daughter's well-being and palytime because I want the best possible outcome from it.
  
  *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  MY TALENTS/SKILLS I BRING:
  
  TO MY RELATIONSHIP: cooking, sex, singing, drawing, writing
  
  TO MY JOB: work hard to stand out, internet, typing skills, work best alone, creative, organizing
  
  SOCIALLY/TO MY FAMILY: good listener, good advice, uplifting.
  
  AS A MOTHER: careful, informative, resourceful, love, nuturing, good at getting 'Tori quiet, getting het to smile and laugh.
  

  ---

  
  

  HOW WOULD I SPEND $10,000,000?
  

  
   10000000
   -    20000 PAY OFF DEBT
    9980000
   -   10000 PAY OFF LCC, LOAN, WSU
   9970000
   -200000 PUT AWAY FOR 'TORI'S COLLEGE
   9770000
  -2000000 MONETARY GIFT TO BE DIVIDED BY MOM, DAD, & 2 YOUNGER BROTHERS
   7770000
  -2000000 MONETARY GIFT TO BE DIVIDED BY 3 SISTERS AND 2 OLDER BROTHERS
   5700000
     -50000 MONETARY GIFT TO BE DIVIDED BY OLDEST SISTER AND NEICE
  5650000
    -10000 MONETARY GIFT TO BE DIVIDED BY 4 YOUNGER NEICE AND NEPHEWS
   5640000
  -1000000 PURCHASE DECORATE AND PAY OFF A NEW HOUSE
   4640000
     -50000 MONETARY GIFT TO BE PAID TO VINCENT
   4590000
  -2000000 BANK IT!
   2590000
     -20000 PURCHASE A COUPLE OF USED CARS AND INSURANCE
   2570000
   -100000 DONATE TO DIFFERENT CHARITIES
   2470000
     -10000 LIFE INSURANCE
   2460000
  -2000000 1/2 INVESTED IN STOCKS 1/2 SET ASIDE TO BUILD SHELTER AND HOMELESS STATIONS
     460000
    -60,000 FAMILY TRIPS/VACATIONS
    400000
  -200000 BUILD DECORATE AND PAYOFF FOR DANCE STUDIO
    200000
  -200000 TBA, LOL!
             0
  
  

  ---

  
  
  

  MY 25 DREAMS LIST
  (NO PARTICULAR ORDER)
  
  PAY OFF LCC
  GET LICENSE
  GET A CAR
  PAY OFF DEBT
  PAY OFF LOAN
  GET BACHELORS DEGREE
  MOVE OUT OF MICHIGAN
  GO TO JAPAN
  GO TO THAILAND
  WORK JOB FOR AT LEAST 1 YEAR
  GO BACK TO SCHOOL
  IMPROVE WARDROBE
  INCREASING WHAT'S IN 'TORI'S SAVINGS ACCOUNT
  GET MARRIED
  GET BETTER AT COOKING
  GO 5 YEARS WITHOUT A PREGNANCY
  TRAVEL WITH 'TORI TO THE PHILIPPINES
  LOSE WEIGHT AND GET FIT
  GET BACK INTO DANCING
  KEEP APT CLEAN
  PAY OFF GYM MEMBERSHIP
  GET THROUGH LEASE WITH HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH VINCENT
  GET A 2 BEDROOM SO 'TORI CAN HAVE HER OWN ROOM
  SUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF SAVINGS IN MY ACCOUNT BY END OF LEASE
  GET MY ASSOCIATES DEGREE
  
  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
  
  MY 12 DREAMS LIST
  (CUTBACKS: WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?)
  
  GET LICENSE
  GET A CAR
  PAY OFF GYM MEMBERSHIP
  SAVE FOR TORI
  SAVE FOR ME
  PAY OFF LCC
  PAY OFF LOAN
  GET ASSOCIATES DEGREE
  WORK JOB FOR AT LEAST 1 YEAR
  GO BACK TO SCHOOL
  LOSE WEIGHT
  2 BEDROOM
  
  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
  
  
  MY 6 DREAMS LIST
  (CUTBACKS II: WHAT IS REALLY MORE IMPORTANT?)
  
  WORK JOB FOR 1 YEAR+
  GET LICENSE
  PAY OF LCC
  GET CAR
  $ IN TORI'S SAVINGS
  $ IN MY SAVINGS
  
  MY TOP 3
  DREAMS LIST
  (CUTBACKS III: THE FINAL AUDITION)
  
  MOST VOTES: WORK JOB FOR 1 YEAR+
  RUNNER UP: GET LICENSE
  HONORABLE MENTION: GET CAR
  
  

  MY #1 DREAM
  (WHAT I FEELS IS MOST IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW)
  
  *****WORK JOB FOR 1 YEAR+*****
  
  

  ---

  
  
  

  *****WORK JOB FOR 1 YEAR+*****
  START DATE:
  GOAL DATE:
  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  
   In order to achieve this GOAL what do I have to do?
  
  #1      FIND A JOB
  *Make sure that I can get there, that transportation will not be a problem
  *Search online for jobs, walk-ins, phone inquiry, ask around, classifieds, etc...
  
  #2     PASS INTERVIEW
  *Dress neat
  *Prepare
  *Get there on time
  
  #3     REMIND SELF OF (DIS)ADVANTAGES OF (NOT) WORKING
  *No income (Don't want Vincent carrying financial burden)
  *Can't save for Tori
  *Can't get the things she needs
  *Can't pay rent/bills
  *Can't pay off school so I can't go back to school
  
  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
  
  

  GOAL MATRIX:
  WORK JOB FOR 1 YR+
  
  
  
  

  Day 1 (My hire date will be Day 1):
  1. Write in journal how good it feels to have a job. what was endured when unemployed? What are the benefits from working?
  2. Iron my work clothes. Imagine myself in them for the first time...how I feel...the hope...Imagine being the happy worker.
  3. Determine work goals and plans for $ earned.
  4. Honestly assess where I am, where I want to be, by when.
  
  1 Month (30 days from my hire date):
  1.CELEBRATE! Even ordering out and spending time with someone who supported you is a great way to celebrate working 30 days :)
  2. Write in my journal how I feel about making it to 30 days and include what challenges were faced and overcome and how.
  3. Honestly assess where I am, where I want to be, by when.
  4. Iron my work clothes as I prepare for 2 more months.
  
  3 Months:
  1. Make payments for school, debt, etc..
  2. CELEBRATE! Do something for myself, even if it's buying myself a new pair of nice shoes.
  3. Journal
  4. ASSESS
  5. Iron Work clothes as I reflect on 3 months coming and 3 more coming!
  
  6 Months:
  1. Payments
  2. CELEBRATE! Get hair and nails done. Send a thankyou card to those who have supported you no matter how small the help.
  3. Iron work clothes.....
  4. Journal
  5. Assess
  
  9 Months:
  1. Payments
  2. CELEBRATE! Go out for a social night with friends. Look good. Just enjoy the night! ...9 months !!!Woo!!!
  3. Iron Clothes.....
  4. Journal
  5. Assess
  
  1 YEAR (from hire date):
  1. Payments
  2. CELEBRATE! Go out to eat with friends and family. Take pictures. Send a thank you letter to the Author and everyone who helped you to accomplish what you thought to be an unreachable GOAL.
  3. Iron work clothes..
  4. Journal
  5. Assess
  
  

  ...Start on next GOAL!!!!....
  

  ---

  
  

   A TIME WHEN I FOLLOWED THROUGH ON A
  COMMITMENT I MADE TO SOMEONE...HOW I FELT:
  

  
  

  Meeting with Tamara to talk
  I felt like I was there for her. Dependable. I felt good to have showed up because she probably thought I might not have come since we just met. I felt capable of carrying out and following through.
  
  

  A TIME WHEN I DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH ON A
  COMMITMENT I MADE TO SOMEONE...HOW I FELT
  
  

  Following through on my long term goals
  keeping a job, paying the bills, and financial stability is something I always promised to keep my end up with...I feel soo bad. Unaccomplished. Incompetent. Ashamed. Unreliable.
  
  

  A TIME WHEN I FOLLOWED THROUGH ON A
  COMMITMENT I MADE TO MYSELF...HOW I FELT:
  

  
  Clean the apartment
  The apartment had been soooo messy for WEEKS. I felt sooo good! I felt at ease. I felt very accomplished. I felt I did the impossible because the apartment was the dirtiest it had every been.
  
  A TIME WHEN I DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH ON A COMMITMENT I MADE TO MYSELF...HOW I FELT:
  Payment to LCC
  I've been oweing LCC over $1,000 for well over a year now and so when working my last job I finally wanted to send in a payment but I quit without enough saved to send them a payment. I felt bad...discouraged...I actually didn't like myself...I felt like crying because to have finally been able to make a payment would've felt so good.
  
  

  A TIME WHEN I FELT GUILTY
  

  
  Letting my bank account go into a negative balance
  Vincent told me to be mindful and watchful of my spendings to prevent my account from going into an overdraw...I always had a bad habit of not watching my account carefully...I told him that I would and that he wouldn't have to worry....usually when my account when into an overdraw he'd come and 'save' my account by adding an amount of money that would bring it back into a positive amount....There were times when he added 50 or $100.00.
  ....I did not put much effort into keeping that promise and my account went into a negative not soon after.
  Vincent told me that I didn't care enough...that I was irresponsible and financially unstable. I felt bad becasue he said these (true) things to me...I felt guilty because deep down I knew I wouldn't pull through with it anyways...I knew I didn't care enough. I didn't see the importance because he was always there to support my account.
  
  

  A TIME WHEN I MISSED AN OPPORTUNITY
  

  Going to take my CNA exam
  I didn't follow through with it because I was afraid of coming so far and then failing. The exam was held outside of the Job Corps Center so I was afraid of being outside my comfort zone. And,I'm paying for it now...when I look for Nursing Home jobs they all require that I have my CNA certificate...And I think...someone who took the chance...stepped out there comfort zone...didn't give in to their nervousness and took that CNA exam will get this job...I felt dumb for not having made the smart decision.
  

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• My Esteemable Acts Journal: Intro pt. 2

  Ok, so this entry was written to give you an idea on where I am in my life right now...
  
  (As of 11/17/2008)
  
  Age: 22
  
  
  Race: African American
  
  
  Hometown: Detroit, MI
  
  
  Family: 1 daughter, 9 siblings, mom and dad (and siblings) still living. Closest relationship w/ sisters Reva and Jamii.
  
  
  Residence: Lansing, MI...living with my daughter and her father <my ex :( >
  
  
  Relationship: Single
  
  
  Friends: Few...
  I have 2 female friends here at my Apartment complex....Tamara and Ivy...
  Ivy is 60 (I like to befriend older women because to me they are wiser and steer away from discussion topics like sex, men, other females..).
  And, Tamara is 19. She's younger than me but is 'bout one of the few people I know who don't have there ish together but is trying < like me :) >
  Then there's Rose...she's 47. She is my ex-coworker from the Plasma Donation Center but she was my ride to work but we still keep in touch...That's it for my Lansing friends.
  Then there's the male friends...Ed and Branden. I met them through my ex. They check on me often to see what I'm up to and how I'm doing...
  Ed is my daughter's Godfather.
  Branden is one of her many (unofficial) uncles
  I don't really count my facebook friends because our 'friendship' never extends past the Facebook page....
  So......5 friends....That's not alot. But I guess 5 is a lot better than NONE.
  
  
  Education: High School Diploma, Some College...currently not in school.
  
  
  Current Job: Unemployed
  
  
  Previous Jobs(most recent first): Plasma Donation Center, Adult Foster Care Home, Bookstore, Cruise Ship, Job-Training Program, Payroll Processing, Military, Research Call Center, Telemarketing, Inn, Gym, McDonald's, Fitness Club, Hotel.
  
  
  Hobbies/Pastimes: dancing, singing, sleeping, tv, eating, reading, cooking, cleaning, shopping, movies, video games.
  
  *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  Ok, that's enough...You now have an  idea of me, my life, and the things I have been through and how they connect and relate to future posts.....This should help in grasping those ideas and statements.
  
  
  

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• Intro to my page: My Esteemable Acts Journal

  So I've gotten more into reading these days...Not being in school and all....I have to keep my focus somehow. So I read books of all kinds...

  I just finished reading two novels this month. The first was The Journal of Mortifying Moments by Robin Harding...good read! The second was Life Support by Tess Gerritsen....great read! The last book i finish was a short illustrative 30 page book about America's Electoral College...I decided to read this elementary approach because I didn't know ANYTHING about it. And, although I would describe this book as a good read I can say that I am more informed about the electoral college system than before I read the book. .

  So now I'm reading Esteemable Acts by Francine Ward. It's a self help book. I must say that already it is opening up my mind to broader ideas, concerns, thoughts, and feelings about my own self... It is really helping me to improve my self esteem, discover my life's dreams, and realize and conquer my goals through journal writing.

  So with out further ado....My Esteemable Acts Journal.

  
  

   
  

  
  

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• Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Xanga... Drop me a comment - or just to say, "Hi!"

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